The Pony's Always Greener
by llxxRawr its Beansxxll
Summary: Based on 'The Algae's Always Greener'. I own nothing.


Granny Smith is walking through Twilight's library, browsing for books.

Granny Smith: Oh! Pardon me, young man.

She excused herself for bumping into Lyra, whose hair reminded her of a colt.

Granny Smith: What a stud.

Lyra snuck around the back of the library and into Twilight's office.

Lyra: Hahehehehe.

She sneaks past a sleeping Spike and opens her desk drawer to find an assortment of books. She digs through them and locates the book she's looking for.

Lyra: There it is. The secret to all knowledge; Anthropology. When I read this book, I'll have whatever it takes to be a human. Hahehehehe!

She reaches out for the book, but a purple hoof stops her in mid-air.

Twilight: Lyra, what do you think you're doing?

Lyra: Um…I, uh…

Twilight: Lyra, you know the Princess assigned me to read this book. I just can't make arrangements for you to read it.

Lyra: But…I…

Twilight: Look, I appreciate your love for reading, and I have many other selections for you to-

Lyra: No, thanks.

She cursed under her breath and dragged her hooves out of the library.

Twilight: That is one strange unicorn.

She slowly padded up the porch steps and into the tiny house she shared with her domestic partner, Bon-Bon.

Bon-Bon: So, typical day of failure, I see, huh, darling?

Lyra: Oh, can it, Bon-Bon. Can't you see I'm exhausted? Why don't you go make yourself useful and cook us up some grub?

Bon-Bon: Yes, Your Majesty.

She dumps some smoking hay on Lyra's paper plate.

Lyra: What do we got here? Oh, goodie, generic hay…again. When are we gonna get some real food?! Twilight Sparkle gets to eat real food! Look at her dragon, he's practically a baby hippo! I wish I could be successful, like Twilight Sparkle. Or better yet, I wish I could just turn into a human and not have to worry about her stupid books!

Bon-Bon: Then why don't you use that Switching Species spellbook that you borrowed from Twilight last Tuesday?

Lyra: What a brilliant idea! Your parents must have been part computer, or something!

Lyra picks the book up with her horn and flips through the pages.

Lyra: Now, let's see, uh…no…no…no…no-AHA!

She flips to the picture of a human and the spell to turn into one beneath it.

Lyra: Well, I hate to leave you, Bon-Bon, but you know what they say: The Rolling Stones were the greatest band ever!

She focuses all of her magic on the center of her horn, and a ball of pure magic surrounds her. The ball shrinks until it and Lyra is completely gone, leaving Bon-Bon alone.

Lyra is shooting through a hole in space-time faster than the speed of light.

Lyra: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAH!

The hole stops just enough for her to get a sip of her soda.

Lyra: Ah…AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAH!

Her vision is a bit blurry when she first wakes up at a desk.

Lyra: Ugh…dear Celestia, what happened last night?

She looks down and notices not hooves, but hands spread out in front of her.

She looks around her office and notices pictures of her, the Princess, and Scootaloo.

Lyra: Who the hay…? Wait a minute, I have hands now…which means the spell was a success! I'm a human!

She looks in a mirror and sees herself in a women's business suit, slacks, and leather shoes.

Lyra: Corporate casual!

Twilight: Order up! Two deluxe Lyra Burgers!

Twilight, also a human, brings a hamburger called a Lyra Burger to a human Dr. Whooves.

Lyra: So, let me get this straight: If I was a human, then Twilight Sparkle, the esteemed protégé of Princess Celestia, would work for me?...Oh, yeah, I am liking this so far. And with these new, carnivorous teeth of mine…

She points to her set of canines in the back of her mouth.

Lyra: …I think I'll go and try a hamburger. Oops, I mean, Lyra Burger.

Twilight: There you are, sir. Two deluxe…

Lyra walks up to the table, still getting used to walking on two legs. Twilight immediately salutes her.

Twilight: Good morning, Ms. Lyra!

Lyra: Er, um, hey there, um, Twilight. Um, Twilight?

Twilight: Yes, ma'am!

Lyra: I'm gonna need to take one of these burgers back to my office for, um, bun inspection.

Twilight: I'm afraid you can't do that, Ms. Lyra!

Lyra: Well, why not?

Twilight: Because that burger is for the customer, ma'am!

Lyra: The customer? I'll boil the customer in hot oil and rip out his…!

Twilight, still saluting, nervously points to a mortified Dr. Whooves, who is now Dr. Who. Lyra gives his hand an assuring pat.

Lyra: I mean, uh, yes, of course, for the lovely…customer.

Twilight gives her two burgers that she can easily hold in her newfound hands.

Twilight: But you can take these burgers, ma'am. I made them in the off chance that you'd decide to instigate some bun inspection today, Ms. Lyra, ma'am!

Lyra: Um…yes, uh, very nice. Um, thanks.

Lyra runs to her office and gobbles down the burgers. She wipes her mouth on her sleeve and holds her stomach with satisfaction.

Lyra: All mine! It's finally all mine! The hands! The feet! The fingers and toes! The…Twilight, what do you want?

Twilight is standing in her office, holding her hat nervously.

Twilight: Well, it's…just that it's Tuesday again, ma'am, and I was wondering if I could have my, um…weekly performance review!

Lyra: Review?

Twilight: Oh, yes, please, ma'am!

Lyra: But I've never reviewed anything…except those foreign exercise videos Bon-Bon sent me.

Twilight: Oh, please, ma'am! I want to make you so happy and proud!

Lyra: Eh, you're doing fine. Now, leave me to my work.

Twilight: But ma'am!

Lyra: I thought I told you to go away, cretin.

Twilight: But ma'am, there's got to be something I need to improve on! ANYTHING!

Lyra: Alright, the sauce.

Twilight: (gasp) Wh…what?

Lyra: The sauce. I don't know, you're using too much sauce, okay? Review's over.

Twilight makes a funny cross between a duck and Asian face.

Twilight: Eh, eh, eh.

Lyra: What?

Twilight: Eh, eh, eh.

Lyra: What's the matter with you? All I said was 'A little too much sauce.' It's no big deal, really.

Twilight: Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh.

Lyra: What do you want from me, a promotion?

Twilight: (suddenly happy) A promo-a promo-a promotion?!

Lyra: Uh, sure, kid, you're uh…you're on register now.

Twilight: Register?!

Twilight explodes.

Lyra: Glad that's over.

She takes her shoes off and wiggles her toes.

Twilight suddenly appears next to human Trixie.

Trixie: Twilight, do you remember that little talk we had about 'personal space'?

Twilight: It's okay, Trixie. I'm official, look!

She points to her nametag that reads 'Co-Cashier'.

Trixie: Co-Cashier?

Lyra: This little piggie went to market. This little piggie went to-

Trixie bursts into Lyra's office. She quickly hides her toes.

Trixie: You cannot do this to the Great and Powerful Trixie, Ms. Lyra! If you think she's going to stand out there all day listening to…

Twilight recites so many random facts at once that her mouth splits and turns into two mouths, spewing factual language all at once.

Trixie: …then you must have an iPhone wedged in your frontal lobe!

Lyra: So, what do you want me to do about it?

Trixie: Trixie would like her view to be a little less purple, if you know what she means.

Trixie is now the frycook, standing in front of the grill.

Lyra: Hope you like gray.

Twilight: Hey, Trixie, I can see you through this little window! Isn't this fun?!

Trixie groans.

Lyra: Now, no more interruptions! I'd like to begin writing the memoirs of my success story, so everyone just stay the-

Scootaloo: Mommy!

Human Scootaloo runs into Lyra's restaurant, bouncing around her giddily.

Lyra: Mommy? How did this…?

Scootaloo: Mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy!

Lyra: Just tell mommy what you want! She's very busy!

Scootaloo: Could I please have a, um…advance on my allowance?

Lyra: If it'll get you out of my hair. Go crazy.

She hands her daughter a dollar bill.

Scootaloo: One dollar?...You hate me!

Scootaloo's tears bombard Lyra, so she grabs a tiny umbrella to defend herself.

A man's hand angrily pokes her in the shoulder and swipes the umbrella away.

Dr. Who: You!

Lyra: Me?

Dr. Who: You think this is funny?

Lyra: In a cosmic sort of way, yes.

Dr. Who: Well, Ms. Funny Gal…Is this how you get your sick kicks?!

He holds up a Lyra Burger.

Lyra: What? It's just an ordinary Lyra-OH MY GOODNESS!

She sees the disgusting nature of the burger, consisting of moldy buns, dead fish, other discarded kitchen items, and Dr. Who's least favorite: pears.

Lyra: TRIXIE!

Twilight: I tried, Ms. Lyra, I really did.

Lyra: What now?

Twilight: A customer ordered a medium drink, and I gave him a large! I gave him a large! I've soiled the good Lyra Burger name! Soiled it! Soiled it! Soiled it! Soiled it! Soiled it! Soiled it!

Lyra: I command you to stop that! Stop that and return to your post!

She repeatedly pokes Twilight's chest, in hopes that she'll stop.

Lyra: Where's the off button on this thing?!

Scootaloo: Okay, Mommy, I've decided I'm gonna run away! Run away and find a new mommy!

Twilight: Soiled it! Soiled it! Soiled it!

Lyra: Make it stop!

A siren then goes off and everyone becomes silent.

Lyra: What, did I say the secret word?

Twilight: No, ma'am…She's back.

Lyra: Who's back? What…

Something flashes by that Lyra couldn't make out because it was so fast.

Lyra: What was that?!

Twilight: Man your stations! Red alert! Red alert! Take cover!

All the customers run for cover.

Lyra: Take cover from what?!

Twilight: She's around here somewhere…

The flash shows up again by Twilight in the crow's nest.

Twilight: There she goes!

Lyra: What? Who? Where? Somebody tell me!

Dr. Who: Some say she crawled out from the lowest trench in the Earth…Reno.

Scootaloo: When all the pony-like ancestors of humans evolved into humans, she was held back because she was so evil.

Twilight: She's the most hated creature on Earth.

Another flash, and Bon-Bon, still a pony, is shown swinging on a rope with a Lyra Burger.

Bon-Bon: And she's finally got a Lyra Burger! Hahahahahaha!

Lyra: Bon-Bon?! What the hay is going on here?!

Twilight: It's your arch competitor/ex-wife, Bon-Bon! Her goal in life is to steal a Lyra Burger and ruin our restaurant!

Lyra: That's terrible!

Twilight: Yeah, but the worst part is…

Bon-Bon stands over Lyra menacingly.

Lyra: Good grief, she's naked!

Not that it mattered, because she's a pony still.

Bon-Bon: Clothe me if you can, silly humans!

Twilight: I'm gonna make you eat those words, Bon-Bon!

A tile in the floor spins, and Twilight is now equipped with a cannon that shoots items of clothing.

Twilight: No shirt, no shoes…NO SERVIIIIIIIIIIIICE!

She rapidly shoots clothes at Bon-Bon, but all of them miss.

Bon-Bon: Hahahahahahahaha!

She stops when she realizes a bra is on her.

Bon-Bon: Aw, you got me…Well, at least it's underwire. Here's your stinking burger!

She throws the burger at Lyra, who catches it.

Lyra: I don't understand. Is there a gas leak in here?

Twilight: Knick-knack, the burger's back! You did it, Ms. Lyra! Victory screech! OLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL !

Twilight and the rest of the customers' screeching forces Lyra to cover her ears with the burger.

Bon-Bon: Enjoy your victory screech, Lyra, because someday, the Lyra Burger formula will be mine!

Twilight: You'll never get this formula, you twisted fiend!

Bon-Bon: Oh, but I will! Even if I have to come back tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day…

Bon-Bon backs out of the restaurant and saying how many times she has to come back.

Bon-Bon: …and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day…

Twilight: Phone call for you, Ms. Lyra.

Bon-Bon: (over the phone) _…and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day…_

Lyra: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

She rips off all of her clothes except for her underwear and a button strapped onto her waist.

Lyra: It's not worth it! IT'S JUST NOT WORTH IT! Good-bye, everyone, I'll remember you all in therapy.

She presses the button and finds herself a pony again and at the dinner table with her partner.

Lyra: Generic hay…? MY FAVORITE!

She gratefully devours the hay as Bon-Bon smiles warmly.


End file.
